Celebrity Fear Factor with the Fellowship
by Vana Burke
Summary: *Please reread chapter 4 even if you have already. I changed it!* The Fellowship of the Ring minus Boromir particpates on Celebrity Fear Factor. Weird things happen when pink Speedos appear.
1. Introducing

Celebrity Fear Factor with the Fellowship of the Ring

            "Okay, we're on in five, four, three, two, one!" shouted the director. The camera whirred and clicked on. 

            Annoyingly cheerful and perky, Joe Rogan, host of Fear Factor, turned to face the camera. "Today on Celebrity Fear Factor, we're putting the Fellowship of the Ring to the test. The stunts on this show are tested and supervised by trained professionals. Do _not attempt-"_

            "Get on with it, you pathetic excuse for a human," growled Gimli. He fingered his axe and glared. 

            The host trembled slightly and continued. "Anyways, here's my co-host, Gandalf the White!" The crowd cheered loudly and a puff of smoke appeared on the stage. As it cleared, Gandalf emerged. 

            "You really had to go with the cliched entrance, didn't you," remarked Aragorn dryly.

            "Oh, come on!" chirped Pippin. "You're ruinin' the fun of the game!" 

            "Let me introduce our contestants for today," Gandalf rumbled. "Gimli, Son of Gloin," he began, and the crowd clapped politely. "Pippin of the Shire," he continued. More mild clapping. "Merry of the Sh-" he began, but Merry interrupted him by thumping his chest. "You need people of intelligence on this sort of... mission." 

            "That's my line!" said Pippin indignantly.

            "Sam Gamgee of the Shire," said Gandalf, ignoring Pippin. Sam bowed politely to Rosie, who was sitting in the audience. "Frodo Bag-" But Gandalf was once again interrupted, but this time by Frodo fans, especially his uncle Bilbo. 

            "Get 'em, Frodo!" he shouted, stamping his hairy feet. Frodo smiled slightly, and the Frodo fangirls cheered.

            "Aragorn, son of Arathorn, heir of Isildur, heir to the throne of-" boomed Gandalf, but he was drowned out by screams in the audience.

            "Go Aragorn!' yelled a girl in the audience, holding up a foam finger that said "Aragorn's #1!" Another girl held up a homemade sign that read "The Rugged Look-We Love It On Aragorn!"

            "Le-" Gandalf didn't get very far before everyone in the audience, especially the female human teenagers, screamed at the top of their lungs. Legolas winked at the camera, and quite a few girls swooned. The audience seemed to disappear behind huge cardboard signs worshipping Legolas. They included those reading "Go You Elf Hottie!!!!!!!", "I Love You Legolas!", "Go Legolas!", and the traditional "Marry Me Legolas!"

            "Anyways," said the other host, Joe, trying to get some attention. "Today, we have three ordeals for these seven players."

            "I can take it," said Merry, trying to look tough.

            Gandalf rumbled, "Let us begin!"


	2. The First Stunt

"The first stunt is..." Joe Rogan trailed off as a drumroll filled the building.

            A large plastic sheet was pulled to the side of the stage. A large swimming pool emerged. Swinging back and forth above the water, a long pendulum with a tiny platform drew gasps from the audience.

            "That's right!" Joe said with mock-graveness in his voice. "Our contestants have to stand on this pendulum as it swings faster and faster until they fall into the pool. The contestant who can hang on the longest wins."

            "Mere human," roared Gandalf, "Do not try to imitate me!" Joe was lifted upwards until he touched the ceiling, then free-fell down to the pool. A huge splash drenched the crowd. 

            "Oh, I'm sorry," Gandalf said cheerily to the crowd. Suddenly the audience was completely dry, thanks to a certain magical staff. Joe, however, had not fared as well. Floating in the pool, a tech member had to fish him out- all on national TV. 

            "Our host is out for this episode," continued Gandalf. "So I will be taking his place."

            "Can we get on with the stunt?" asked Legolas.

            "The order in which you compete has been randomly selected," Gandalf said. 

            "Gimli-" gasped Joe from the side of the pool. "You are *hack* lucky number *cough* one." Then he fell into unconsciousness.

            "Cover your eyes," advised Legolas to the audience. Gimli went behind a screen beside the pool to change. His shadow was highly visible. Another tech crew member handed him his swimsuit.

            "What's this?" he asked.

            "It's your swimsuit, sir. You must wear it to compete in the stunt."

            "This is a shrunken piece of orc's hide!" Gimli raged. "I would rather wear all of my axes and armor!"

            "I apologize," said the tech crew member, his trembling audible in his voice.

            "This would only cover the rear end of a skinny elf such as LEGOLAS!" he fumed. The Legolas fangirls gasped in unison. All of the audience's heads whipped towards Legolas for his reaction. Instead, Aragorn leapt out of his seat.

            "This is no mere skinny elf! This Legolas Greenleaf, son of-" He turned and whispered to Legolas.

            "What's your father's name?" he hissed, unaware that the whole audience could hear him.

            What Legolas replied was unpronouncable for any human, and most elves.

            "This is Legolas Greenleaf, son of Shmegolas,"  continued Aragorn in a bout of improvisation. "You owe him your allegiance!"

            "Shmegolas?!" raged Legolas. "What causes you to speak such trash signature of weak humans?"

            "I am sorry," said Aragorn, suddenly solemn. "I had a debt to repay you since you defended me in Elrond's 'secret' meeting." Suddenly all heads turned to Merry, Pippin, and Sam. 

            "Secret meeting?" asked Pippin

            'Twas no secret meeting!" chimed in Merry. 

            "Aye, _'twas a secret meeting," objected Sam. "Only the invited and their gardener were allowed entrance."_

            Suddenly a voice from the audience shouted above all others, "The hobbits do not speak the truth. It was a secret meeting, _only for the invited." It was Elrond._

            "Only for the invited, not for their gardeners," piped up Pippin. "You were wrong!" 

            "Getting on with the stunt," said Gandalf knowingly. All eyes were trying to avoid Gimli as he trudged out from behind the screen in a pink Speedo, hairy body and all. Several people screamed, including Frodo. His eyes went light, light blue and rolled back, his skin paled, and he did his signature "Oh-No-Dark-Evil-Is-Near" look. 

            "Mr. Frodo?" asked Sam, concerned. 

            "My ancestors are turning in their graves!" roared Gimli above the screams and laughter. 

            "They're not the only ones," muttered Legolas.

            "Only the thought of remaining loyal to the Fellowship drives me on," continued  Gimli.

            "Are you ready, Gimli?" asked Gandalf. 

            Gimli nodded. He strapped into a harness and was lifted onto the tiny platform with only a thin, flimsy string to hold on to.

            "This platform is smaller than me feet!" he shouted. "Surely I can use some adhesives?"

            "That's what hairy feet are for," said Bilbo from the audience. "You'd think the abundance of hair everywhere else on your body would-"

            "On with the stunt!" bellowed Gandalf. The pendulum began to swing slowly. The audience was silent, one part due to the fact that half were in shock and the other half were not yet ready for words.

            "I'm hangin' on," said Gimli proudly. The clock was thankfully not ticking, but projected onto a large screen hanging from the ceiling.

            "Five seconds," announced Gandalf. The pendulum began to swing faster. Gimli began to look pale underneath the mass of hair crowding his face. Finally, Gimli's feet slipped and he landed with a large splash that once again drenched the audience, who were once again perfectly clean after the use of Gandalf's staff.

            "Congratulations," said Gandalf to a wet, shivering, and humiliated Gimli. "Twelve seconds. You are currently place!"

            "Yaaahhh!" roared Gimli. "First place! This is one Dwarf who won't be bested by tiny Halflings, a skinny elf, and a weak human."

            "Not yet," said Gandalf. "Aragorn is next."

            "Our eyes could use some comforting after seeing that fat hairy Dwarf in a pink Speedo," said the Aragorn fangirl with the large foam finger. Gimli glared at her.

            Aragorn stepped behind the screen and the tech crewman handed him a swim shorts with "Aragorn, Son of Shmaragorn" printed all over them in large letters.

            "What's this?" puzzled Aragorn.

            "It's your swimsuit, sir. You must wear it to compete the stunt," replied the crewman.

            "Is that all you know how to say?" asked Aragorn, in a bad mood.

            "I apologize," he said. "To tell you the truth, sir, we had a different swimsuit prepared for you. However, this one is courtesy of Legolas Greenleaf, Son of Shmegolas, who was so kind to offer this for you."

            "Can I see the other swimsuit?" demanded Aragorn, not really asking.

            The crewman scurried backstage and returned with a purple-flower patterned Speedo almost identical to Gimli's. "Here it is, sir," he said, his head bobbing furiously.

            Aragorn snatched the "Shmaragorn" shorts from the man's hands and went behind the screen. As he dropped his pants behind the screen, all the Fangirls screamed. Camera flashes temporarily blinded the contestants.

            "Now what?" grumbled Aragorn, hiking the shorts up as high as they would go.

            "Sir, your shadow is highly visible to the audience," the man said, as matter-of-factly as he could manage.

            "Oh," replied Aragorn as he tugged the shorts down a bit. He emerged from the screen, and the screaming got, if possible, much louder. It was true, he looked very handsome with his rugged face and toned chest muscles. 

            "Aaaah," a girl holding up a sign saying "Aragorn's #1 Fan" sighed happily. "I live for moments like this."

            Aragorn strode confidently towards the harness area. He was buckled in and dropped onto the platform.

            "Ready?" asked Gandalf.

            Aragorn smiled at the crowd and said with all his enthusiasm, "Yes!" The pendulum began to swing back and forth. 

            "Ten seconds!" called out Gandalf.

            "It's been ten seconds already?" asked Aragorn. The pendulum swung faster and faster.

            "Whoooaaaa!!" Aragorn was clinging to the string as the pendulum jerked him forward and backward. Finally, he let go and landed clumsily in the pool below. He surfaced quickly and floated to the side, which was a hidden talent of his. The crowd cheered; he acknowledged them with a wave of his dripping hand. 

            "3 minutes and 19 seconds," declared Gandalf. Aragorn accepted a "Shmaragorn" print towel from the crewman and toweled himself off. More pictures were taken.

            "Pippin, it's your turn," said Gandalf. Pippin looked suddenly pale as he was put onto the platform. The platform began to swing very, very, very, slowly.

            "WhoooAAAA!!" Pippin shouted.

            "Augh, come on," scorned Merry. "You're just making a show of it." 

            "Alright," muttered Pippin, and he shut up. The pendulum went from swaying very, very, very slowly to swaying very, very slowy. Pippin lost his balance and landed in the pool.

            "Seven seconds!" Gandalf looked shocked for a moment, then recovered. "I am surprised you stayed on that long, young Hobbit." Pippin smiled proudly.


	3. My Preciousssss Causes Trouble

"Frodo!" shouted Gandalf. 

            "It's okay, Mr. Frodo," said Sam, trying to reassure him. "You'll make it."  

            Behind the screen, Frodo began changing shakily into his swimsuit, trying to avoid the screams of rabid Fangirls. 

            "What's this? A ring hanging by a chain?" asked the crewman, drawn to the beauty of the ring hanging on a tiny silver chain around Frodo's neck. His mouth hung open and his eyes were sharply focused on the ring. "Could this be...?"

            "It's not!" snapped Frodo. "I threw it away, ignorant human!"

            "Than what's this?" the man asked suspiciously.

            "A reproduction! They're selling them all over on those annoying infomercials," shouted Sam from the stage. "Mr. Frodo told me he really, really wanted one, so I gave it to him for his birthday!" Frodo's nod and smile at Sam were somehow redirected towards the screaming Fangirls.

            "He smiled at me!" all of them screamed at each other. 

            "My precioussssssss..." said the tech crewman, distracting Frodo, who was posing for the Fangirls. Suddenly the weak human leapt towards Frodo and snatched the Ring. Frodo gasped as the chain cut into his neck. He clawed desperately at the man, and then at his side for his trusty sword  Sting that wasn't there. 

            "I'm coming, Mr. Frodo!" shouted Sam as he soared over to the scene of the fight (with some help from Gandalf). He jumped on the man's back and pounding him. Frodo, recovered from being choked, jumped up and started to help Sam hammer the crewman. The other two Hobbits exchanged looks and decided they should entangle themselves as well.  

            Running shrieking towards the fight with their fists raised, Merry and Pippin shouted, "For the Shire!" In a few minutes, the beaten and bruised crewman emerged from a heap of Hobbits. Five other almost identical tech crewman came to drag him offstage, throwing dirty looks at the Hobbits.           

            After the audience calmed down, the Hobbits returned to their seats on the stage. Frodo stepped back behind the screen. "Wait a minute!" he said, puzzled. "Where's my swimsuit?" 

            "Is this it?" asked a brave Fangirl who had gotten past the security guards, holding up a shredded, severely wrinkled piece of fabric. 

            "I can't wear that!" Frodo exclaimed. 

            "Oh yes you can," said the Fangirl with a dangerous glint in her eye. "And no one- NO ONE can stop you!" Frodo was baffled. But he didn't have any time to think about it as the security guards thundered towards the Fangirl, tackling her. She was quickly and quietly taken backstage.

            Suddenly, a hand covered most of the camera lens and the director stepped onstage. 

            "There's more high-tech answers than that! Turn that thing off!" he hollered at the cameraman over his shoulder. Walking towards Frodo, he said, "I'm sorry, young man, that's the only swimsuit we had in your size. But I'm sure we'll find a replacement." He turned slowly, looking all the contestants over. His gaze stopped at Gimli. 

            "Sir," the director said to Gimli, "Would you mind if we used your swimsuit?"

            "Excuse me!" said Frodo, jumping up and down to reach the director's sight line. "I will NOT wear Gimli's pink Speedo!"

            "This Dwarf doesn't have a bladder control problem!" raged Gimli. 

            "I never said that," said Frodo, puzzled yet again.


	4. Aragorn Doesn't Love Galadriel

"I suppose," sighed Gandalf to Frodo, "that because you have no swimsuit, you are exempt from the stunt."  
"Yes," breathed Frodo, his eyes rolling back (again), creating a new signature look. He walked back to his seat on stage.  
"Legolas!" Gandalf proclamation interrupted them. The Fangirls all shrieked as Legolas stepped behind the changing screen. The crewman handed Legolas the first relatively decent swimsuit in the show, which didn't say much. It was black, with orange and yellow flames. Pulling down his pants behind the screen, the shrieking got louder and more frantic.  
"Kids these days," grumbled Legolas to no one in particular. "Screaming their mortal heads off." He thought for a moment. "I wish."  
"If you want your pictures, get them now!" shouted Legolas's father from the audience as Legolas strode from the screen. But the audience didn't need a cue from Legolas's father to start.  
"King Shmegolas! I am honored to be in your presence," said Aragorn solemnly with a bow.  
"Fool human," muttered King Thr- Thra- Thrandil- Thrandull- Trandili- Legolas's father. "You should review your choice in acquaintances," he scoleded Legolas.  
"Yes, Father," said Legolas meekly.  
"Are you ready, Legolas?" boomed Gandalf.  
"Yes." He self-assuredly stepped onto the platform and didn't stray a bit from his healthy Elven posture. With the Fangirls cheering Legolas on, the platform began to sway. At this point in time, Merry would have been 20 feet shorter and ten times wetter than Legolas. Gimli would have finally stopped cursing about his swimsuit. Frodo, Merry, Pippin, and Sam would have been in a tussle with the corruptible crewman. But Legolas, with a smile pasted on his face (his publicity made him do the most ridiculous things), was as sturdy as if he were leaning against the walls of an Elven palace.  
"One minute," announced Gandalf. The Fangirls cheered (again). Legolas sighed and rolled his eyes. It was mind-numbing, just standing there on a platform. Legolas allowed his thoughts to carry him away. The Elven Fangirls, a completely different sort than those adolescent humans whose sole purpose in life seemed to be wearing out their vocal cords, were waiting for him as soon as he could escape from the mindless human host...  
Legolas conveniently ignored the cheers and Gandalf's shouts on how long he was and his eyes glazed over as he thought of all that awaited him after he could leave this horrible place...  
"LEGOLAS!" roared Gandalf suddenly.  
"Wha- Huh?" asked Legolas, confused as to why he was at eye level with a pack of humans and not in his beloved home.  
"Three hours, fourty-two minutes, and 13 seconds!" Gandalf shouted. Legolas turned to gloat at his competitors, particularly Gimli, but at first glance they were not there. Scanning his keen Elvish eyes across the room, he saw the rest of the Fellowship sitting on the floor behind their onstage chairs, playing poker with the cards one of the Fangirls had thrown onto the stage.  
"Hey!" he yelled. "That's my favorite game! Why didn't you wait for me?"  
"We'd be happy if you'd hurry up with the-" bellowed Gimli from below, and followed that up with a string of Dwarven curses - "stunt!"  
"Oh, fine," pouted Legolas, and he gracefully swan-dived into the pool. The water seemed to envelope him as there was only enough splash to get Gandalf wet.  
"Orc's heads," muttered Gandalf, "this was my best robe!" Legolas ignored Gandalf's complaints and went over to drippingly inspect the cards.  
"Do you like these..." Merry said, his voice trailed off.  
"Personalized?" offered Pippin.  
"Yes, personalized! Don't you like this personalized deck of cards?"  
Legolas leaned in a little further and saw the Ace was Gandalf, the King was Aragorn, and the Queen was- himself?!  
"Why am I your-" Legolas fumed, exposing the audience to a perfectly accented series of Elvish swear words "-Queen?!"  
"Well," said Aragorn regretfully, "you're the only one of the Fellowship with long blond hair, distinguished features, baby blue eyes..."  
"That doesn't make me a Queen!" Legolas interrupted.  
"Oh, yes it does," chuckled Gimli.  
"What about Arwen?" demanded Legolas. "The last time I checked, she was the one who gave up her immortality for you, not me!"  
"Good point," said Aragorn thoughtfully. "But why don't you complain to the Fangirl, not me?" Legolas stood at the edge of the stage, trying with all his might to find the giggling Fangirl.  
Meanwhile, Aragorn was just figuring out what one of his Fangirls from the audience had said. "Hey!" he shouted angrily. "I love Arwen and Arwen alone!" Suddenly, he collapsed. Arwen appeared in thin air.  
"I must be dreaming," he said deliriously.  
"Then it is a good dream," she replied, smiling slightly, and leaned forward-  
"Turn the camcorder on!" shouted Pippin excitedly to Sam, who was wrestling with a mangled camcorder.  
"The bloody thing doesn't work!" he exclaimed. Arwen and Aragorn looked up. They frowned.  
"Interrupt me, will you?" roared Aragorn, brandishing his sword towards Pippin.  
"Ahhh, there's no need for that little bundle of hostility," stammered Pippin, backing away. Sam nodded furiously in agreement.  
"Well then, back to what you were saying..." Aragorn smiled at Arwen, dropping his sword. But she had disappeared. He blinked once, and scrambled to his feet. He walked over to his seat on stage, completely unaware of what he had treated the audience to.  
"Why is everybody staring at me?!" he asked Pippin confusedly. Pippin shrugged silently, and turned away.  
"He'll soon find out," Sam whispered to Pippin, still holding the camcorder. "Got the whole thing on tape!"   
Legolas, having no luck whatsoever in finding the Fangirl, turned in the general direction of the audience and yelled, "Why me? WHY ME?!"  
"Because you're blond!" yelled someone from the audience. Legolas peered with his highly sensitive eyes towards the source of such an excuse, but could find none.  
"What about Galadriel? She's blond!"  
"Well... Aragorn doesn't love Galadriel!" 


End file.
